God, Space Aliens and Demons Make Their Debut in Presidential Race
By Alexander Strange
They say politics makes strange bedfellows. And it’s hard to imagine, with less than ninety days until the election, that it could get weirder than this.
But there’s another cliché to consider: In politics, a week is an eternity and three months is even longer.
This week’s political news of the weird features space alien DNA, accusations that God would be harmed if the election did not go the president’s way, assertions that women are prone to cancer because of demon sex, and, a continuing favorite of this political season, a renewed push for the use of a malaria drug to combat the coronavirus even though it has proven ineffective.
We begin with a video retweeted by Donald Trump in which a Houston doctor and minister who touts hydroxychloroquine as a COVID killer. The president called it “spectacular.” The doctor/minister, Stella Immanuel of Houston, claimed face masks are unnecessary as the malaria drug is a “cure” for the virus, which is so far from the truth that Facebook and Twitter removed the speech from their sites.
Undeterred, Immanuel declared that Jesus Christ would destroy Facebook’s servers if the video was not restored.
“Hello Facebook put back my profile page and videos up or your computers with start crashing till you do,” she tweeted. “You are not bigger that God. I promise you. If my page is not back up face book will be down in Jesus name.”
So far, Jesus has not intervened, but that hasn’t slowed her down. Among her other claims:
🌀 Women who get fibroid tumors and cysts are the victims of demonic spirits who deposit their sperm during “astral” dream sex. This condition affects “many women,” she says.
🌀 A witch working for the “Illuminati” is using abortion, gay marriage, books, movies Pokemon and, naturally, Harry Potter to destroy the world.
🌀 Speaking of gays, they practice “homosexual terrorism” and “very soon people are going to be seeking to marry children,” she said in a sermon.
🌀 Doctors are using DNA from space aliens to treat people. No word on where the aliens are kept.
🌀 Researchers are working on a vaccine to prevent people from becoming religious.
And speaking of religion, Trump said on the campaign trail that the Democratic presidential nominee, Joe Biden, is “against God, he’s against guns, he’s against energy.” He went further during a radio interview and said, “He’s against the Bible. Essentially against religion. But against the Bible.”
Biden, who is on a first-name basis with the Pope and carries rosary beads in his pocket, called Trumps comments “shameful.”
This was supposed to be the week that Biden was to announce his choice for a running mate, but the deadline came and went—not an unusual occurrence for Biden who famously does not rush big decisions. When caught on camera riding a bicycle with friends—masked, of course—he was asked by a TV reporter, “Have you picked a vice president yet?”
Biden, speeding past the reporter, said, “Yes.”
When the reporter yelled after him, “Who?”
Biden shouted back in a voice muffled by his mask: “You.”
So the wait continues.
STRANGE FACT: Pope Innocent VIII in 1484 issued a papal bull, which codified the existence of witches, declaring, “many persons of both sexes, heedless of their own salvation…give themselves over to devils male and female.” Which could help explain the divorce rate.